Why Do People Abandon You According to Sufism?
It can be incredibly frustrating and hurtful to know that we are giving our best in a relationship, only to find that the other person simply walked away and left us shattered and heartbroken.
When someone abandons us, one of the first questions our heart asks is: “Why?” Why did they leave? Why wasn't I enough? Why does this keep happening to me?
From a Sufi perspective, we understand that there is no experience that happens to us but that Allah is trying to communicate something about our hearts that needs attention. Therefore, a person on the path of tazkiyah al-nafs (purification of the self) may ask: “What is this experience revealing about my self-concept, the way I attach to others, my fears, and my perception of Allah?”
Many of us feel even more frustrated when we already know that our heart needs to be attached to Allah alone, but we find ourselves not knowing how to do that, or still feeling profound emptiness when we are not receiving love in return.
One of the many esoteric (inner, hidden) meanings of the Qur'anic ayah that says:
“And We created pairs of all things so perhaps you would be mindful.” (51:49)
is that it is through the experience of the “other,” through another person, through a relationship (romantic or not), that we gain more awareness of our own selves, our own wounds, our own emptiness, our own expectations, and our imbalances.
Not every person who comes into our lives is meant to stay forever. Allah could have simply placed them on our path for a period of our lives to reveal inner realities. These are the spiritual realities that many people chase, but they believe they should come in the form of a dream of the Prophet ﷺ, or through something beautiful and extraordinary.
Some of the deepest spiritual realities Allah reveals to us, and some of the most powerful veils He removes between us and Him, come through painful experiences that bring hidden wounds to the surface so they can finally be seen and healed.
They are often found in the very obstacles that prevent us from having the happy relationships we long for and leave us feeling abandoned.
We first need to see these things clearly before beginning the process of alchemy (transformation, tazkiyah). This is why Allah follows the aforementioned ayah with: “perhaps you would be mindful.”
Being mindful is the very first step toward healing anything.
The “other” person functions as your pair in the sense that they are a mirror, showing you where you may be misplacing trust, expectations, dreams, or giving away your power.
The meaning of this ayah in its more exoteric form (the less hidden, more commonly understood meaning) refers to pairs such as woman and man, sweet and bitter, hot and cold, day and night, light and darkness.
In the esoteric meaning, and for this particular situation, we can say that when someone “abandons us,” we might be the anxiously attached one, while 'the other' could be the avoidantly attached one. They are still pairs because one cannot be revealed without the other.
When we find ourselves “repeatedly abandoned” by others, the repetition itself can be the cue that something out of balance within us is calling for our attention.
More often than not, what “the other” person is revealing about us is that we may be abandoning ourselves long before they abandon us. We may be giving away more, whether in time, energy, attention, or presence, than the other person is giving, while unconsciously holding onto the belief that if we are not giving this much, whatever “this much” may look like for us, then we are not lovable.
Healing requires us to first and foremost recognize that, whether we respond to relationships by keeping people at a distance or by becoming deeply afraid of being abandoned, fear can end up running the relationship rather than love.
We may be afraid to get too close because we fear being hurt, or we may become so afraid of being abandoned that we overgive, overattach, or lose ourselves trying to keep someone close.
In both cases, the invitation is to become aware of the fear beneath the pattern and gradually learn to relate from a place of love rather than fear.
The system Allah has designed for this life is absolutely perfect. Every single experience that triggers something in us, whether positive or negative, can become a mirror, a “pair,” through which we gain mindfulness of what is hidden from our awareness.
We can then witness it, call it by its name, and, the next time we enter a relationship, enter with greater awareness of how to protect our hearts by not going to either extreme, and how to give and receive in balance.
This is why relationships are important, and why Islamic guidance is needed in relationships.
However, there seems to be a big gap between the understanding many people have when it comes to conducting relationships in a way that is pleasing to Allah and the reality of the emotional wounds that lead them to become entangled in situations they did not want to be in.
Many people call it luck. They say, “He or she was just lucky to get married without heartbreak or without being abandoned. Why is it so hard for me? I just want to get married or live peacefully, but I keep giving my best, and I keep getting people who do not appreciate what I give and leave me.”
One of my main worries is seeing how many of my brothers and sisters enter romantic relationships with the intention of marriage, only for these relationships to turn into a big mess at some point.
Hearts keep being broken over and over again, and people end up feeling extremely guilty because they feel they disobeyed Allah by giving their heart to another person before marriage.
The reality is that getting entangled in these types of relationships that keep breaking your heart can bring you very close to Allah, but there is a fine and delicate line to achieving this.
I am focusing on romantic relationships for now because this is what I am asked about the most, and because many people seem to keep these experiences hidden and suffer in silence. They know that judgment awaits them if they tell other people. They may be told, “Why did you do that if it is haram?” They may be told to simply repent, while being made to feel ashamed for what happened.
This approach does not help heal what is coming up from these experiences.
I am not saying to go and get into a romantic relationship.
What I am saying is that if you have already had your heart broken after being in a romantic relationship of some sort, whether online or in person, and it has not happened only once but has happened more than once, then Allah may be getting your attention and inviting you to look more deeply into your abandonment wounds.
The wound of abandonment
The wound of abandonment can go much deeper than simply being afraid that someone will leave.
It can create an inner expectation that people will eventually leave us, that we will eventually be rejected, that we are not enough, or that we have to give everything we have in order to make someone stay.
Sometimes this wound can make us attach very quickly to another person because, underneath the attachment, there is a longing for safety.
We may not consciously be thinking, “This person needs to save me.”
Instead, our heart may quietly be saying:
“Please don't leave me.”
“Please choose me.”
“Please show me that I am worthy of being loved.”
“Please give me the security I have been looking for.”
And when the person leaves, the pain can feel much bigger than the loss of that particular relationship.
It can feel as though they have confirmed something we were already afraid was true about ourselves.
This is where the work of tazkiyah becomes so important.
The question is not simply, “Why did this person leave?”
We can ask:
“What did their leaving awaken in me?”
Did it awaken a fear of being unlovable?
Did it awaken the belief that we have to earn love?
Did it awaken a need to be chosen?
Did it reveal that we were placing our sense of safety in another person's hands?
Did it reveal that we were abandoning ourselves in order to prevent someone else from abandoning us?
These are painful questions, but they can also become transformative ones.
Because the purpose of becoming mindful of a wound is not to condemn ourselves for having it. It is to bring what was hidden into the light.
And this is where I believe the spiritual journey becomes very different from simply trying to “fix” ourselves.
Allah does not need us to become people who never need anyone, never love anyone, or never experience heartbreak.
We are human beings. We are created to love, to connect, to experience companionship, friendship, family, tenderness, and belonging.
The work is to learn where our ultimate security belongs.
The way forward
So, what do we do when we recognize an abandonment wound within ourselves?
First, we become mindful of it.
We begin to notice the patterns without judging ourselves for having them. We notice how quickly we attach, how deeply we fear losing someone, how much we may overgive in order to be loved, or how easily another person's attention or withdrawal can determine how we feel about ourselves.
Then, we begin the process of returning what we have been seeking from people back to Allah.
This does not mean becoming emotionally detached from people or deciding that we should never need anyone. It means learning to love people without making them responsible for our sense of safety, worth, or belonging.
We can love someone deeply and still know that they are not our source.
We can appreciate someone's presence without believing that our life will fall apart if they leave.
We can desire companionship without making another human being responsible for filling the emptiness within us.
And perhaps most importantly, we can learn to stop abandoning ourselves in order to prevent someone else from abandoning us.
This is where the spiritual work becomes very practical.
When you feel the urge to chase someone who is withdrawing, pause.
When you feel that you need their attention in order to feel worthy, pause.
When you notice yourself giving more and more of yourself because you are afraid that they will leave, pause.
Bring the feeling to Allah.
You can say:
“Ya Allah, I feel afraid that I am going to be abandoned. Show me where I am looking for security outside of You. Help me to meet this wound with awareness rather than fear. Teach me how to love without losing myself, and how to trust You without closing my heart.”
This is not an overnight process.
The wound of abandonment may have been formed over many years, and it may take time, patience, spiritual practice, healthy relationships, boundaries, and sometimes professional support to heal.
But every time you become aware of the wound instead of allowing it to control you, you are already doing something different.
Every time you choose not to chase what is leaving you, you are learning something about surrender.
Every time you allow yourself to grieve without turning the loss into a judgment about your worth, you are learning something about dignity.
Every time you turn toward Allah with the emptiness rather than immediately trying to fill it with another person, you are creating a new relationship with that emptiness and Allah strengthens your heart in the process.
The person who abandoned you may never be able to explain why they left.
You may never receive the apology, closure, or understanding you wanted from them, but your healing does not depend on them returning to give you those things.
You can begin the journey of returning to yourself, returning your heart to Allah, and allowing the experience to become part of your tazkiyah rather than a permanent definition of who you are.
So the next time your heart asks, “Why did they leave me?”, perhaps you can gently add another question:
“Ya Allah, what are You showing me through this?”
Ask Him this with the intention of becoming more mindful and aware of the blocks that exists between you and Allah. Allah is pleased with those who sincerely seek greater awareness of themselves and greater consciousness of Him.
Because when we become willing to look at what an experience is revealing within us, the wound that once only made us feel rejected can become a doorway into greater self-knowledge, greater freedom, and ultimately, a deeper return to Allah.
And please remember: for your heart to become deeply attached to Allah rather than relying on creation for its sense of security is a process. Allah has given you each and every day as an opportunity to practice this.
There will be days, months, and even years when you feel that you have fallen back into old patterns. This does not mean that you have failed. When we approach this journey through tazkiyah, even our setbacks can become part of the process of becoming more aware.
And, by His permission, Allah can heal us in ways we never thought possible.
Your healing requires patience, and this is why Allah is with the patient.
